April's FooL Day

It's seems like really an April's FooL day to me.. Was td to watch the show.. last min it was cancelled.. and alot of funny things lorz.. dunno lehz...

I've tot thru this few days.. Writting Blogs r 4 urself and nt anyone else... a blog is an online diary where u write ur diary.. if u r afraid of writting ur diary, why have a blog. I feel nth wrong writting my personally feelings in the blog as it is wat it is suppose to be.. Even I would to write a personal hand written diary, I would also do the same. No doubt abt it as I used to keep it but becoz of certain happenings, i gave up writting on book. I dun care who wans to read and who wans to comment.. I juz want to write out wat I feel.

Felt rather nt myself recently. Moreover, I seriously hate going out myself but this few times, I juz went out myself.. wondering places.. looking at ppl.. walking ard aimlessly.. still cant figure out the emotion.

Ytd nite, I went to catch a show with my mother.. amazing? and she compromise to watch wat I wanted to watch.. I guess England show is nv a kind of show for most ppl.. tt goes the same for him i suppose... so far only Vincent watches such show.. or is it.. he watches anythin.. Vincent.. got chance tell me..

On thurs, I went for an interview. The job scope which I heard was rather interesting. However, whether I got the chance or nt.. I dunno.. really do hope I can get the job.. as I need one too.. and seriously it is challenging.. and I hoped it can help me move on with my life. For this job, I keep thinking it was alot on FSM.. but not much.. juz n case u wonder wat is FSM, it is Fire Safety Manager. In this case, my role is nt juz a FSM, but also an accounting mgr like wat they td me. Hoping is all I can do now.. anyway now is more serious for my exam.. but i really dunno how to study after all this while.

That day, I after interview, i went ps walk walk then I met up with Alien for a show. Talked abit to catch up on wat's happening recently. Though now I have nt been rejecting to go out with any of my friends who ask me to.. but I realized the number of ppl calling me out is really decreasing and leaving myself always so bored at home.. haiz...

Maybe sometime I should take the initiative to ask ppl out.. but then... I still dun like to be rejected.. tt's y i understand how my friends feel when they ask me out and I tell them i have some thing on..

After all tt has happened... I know some of u asked but I din wanna say in the 1st place.. and I know actually I shouldn't be bringing this up anymore.. but since u all wish to know I will tell.. If you ppl have any comments.. u want to write its ur problem.. i cant be bothered with any comments.. becoz I did wat I felt I want to do.

Berlinda, remember wat u td me the other day when we were on the way home from school.. U td me tt I should be looking into further and nt remain here as he can't think tt far yet. I truly do understand everything.. I know what he has done for me and know wat he cant do for me and etc.. Actually I tot of giving up.. but u all should know why I did nt.. At one moment, I tot i could give up my everything juz for him.. but i realized when I was halfway thru, I was completely hit back hard and making me can't turn back anymore. I have tot to go with him to Australia to study maybe.. Or even where he goes, I will follow him.. company him by his side. Like he say he can't give up wat he has planned for, I dun blame him.. so I tot I could compromise by giving in. I gave up my job, my r/s juz for him.. I actually almost wanted to give up my studies juz for him as I really cannot think at tt point of time.

I tried my very best to do things in my own ways wanting him to get touched by wat I've done. After all, it was juz a waste effort. To him.. he feels tt I am writting all this in my blog to show ppl how bad he is.. but I did not.. In this blog, seriously I should be writting wat I feel, I feel tt there's really nth wrong.

After all my sacrifices, I somehow felt tt it is meaningless. I should nv learn to sacrifice. Everyone td me how he is thinking, wat he is thinking and everything.. actually I know them all.. but I do nt listen to u friends I am sry.. becoz I do love him at tt pt of time, so I tot I coulddo something for the both of us though it did not work out well.. I know some of u keep saying why am I with a guy so young, who cant think for your future, imature, childish, and hot temper.. but all these, I felt tt it can be omitted if u r in a r/s, tt is why I do nt bring it too much in front of him.. some of u ppl...I know this rd I am gonna be the bad person... but which time ppl will think I am good anyway? so it dun matter. It is nt possible tt I satisfy everyone, so I also be the bad person to have sided him and bear with everything. I was really hurt when he once td me tt.. with your this time for char, who can actually tolerate this far.. if it is other ppl.. they would have already left by then.. But y dun he put himself in my shoes to think likewise.. a ger in the mid 20s, still going with a guy nt even 20... and with all the things his/my/ our friends said, I still bear with him to be with him. Does it really have to calculate everythin? To be true.. the sayings always go.. do nt force a ger to an extreme, she will calculate everything back with u.. Let me juz tell u this.. if u r seeing this.. if u feel tt I have calculate alot on this r/s, then let me tell u.. I've not and I can tell u.. if u really wanna calculate there is tons of things I can calculate it out with u.. but I dun wan to.. becoz I am not like every typical female who does tt.

I may be saying wat I feel, tt does not mean being calculative. I am not hurt tt he blames me for not being understandin, and say tt I keep saying him where there's a lot of things he cannot change. Yes indeed, he cant change his exam times, he cant change his attachment briefing time, he cant change the fact tt his father is in such a state...he cant change this and tt.. and he says tt I cant understand all this.. who say tt I cannot understand.. I also have work meetings, I also have exams.. and I also do have a sick father which I believe nt everyone of u all know.. becoz I nv really mention.. coz my family is nt a veri gd family which I should go exposing abt.. I have a father who has a heart problem juz like me.. this is wat we call genes.. he is stablize now so not too much of a worry. He thinks tt his friends sms/calls and them calling him out has lessen. Alot of things has happened coz he was with me.. well.. if he felt it this way, i also felt it this way.. he have exams.. i also have.. he have briefing, i also have work meetings.. and each time I have, I did not really tell him and even tried to push the meeting away.. In my teletech days, I have not attended much of the meetings ever since I was with him.. I know in a r/s.. all this things really would happened one lorz.. it is expected..

The reason why i still bring things up.. not becoz i wanna salvage the r/s or anyting.. I juz wan to let go this r/s and say out wat I have not said in the past so that I can complete let go and forget abt this r/s and move on with my life..

my heart for the r/s has die the day after his exams... that was once I felt humiliated.. becoz becoz he could say that sentence to me.. Not the 1st time tt he use such hurting words actually but... I also dunno wat to say.. esp with the time during new yr where he say if I do nt come dw, he will break with me... I really feel disappointed tt such words can come out from his mouth...

Actually at tt time, I am already quite dishearted with all tt have happen. That's why I start plannin wat i should do and wat i can do.. I already have the tot of giving up since then coz he himself said such a thing. So after each incident, it makes me want to make a move to end the r/s.. I always wan to be the bad man.. tt's y till now, I am still a bad man.. I td him tt I suspect tt he has a gf.. Somehow I din really suspect.. Becoz I dun feel secure.. I know this is where he cant be.. and everyone knows tt too.. though everyone juz ask me to bear.. but which ger can really feel gd in a r/s when she dun feel secure.. Juz becoz i tot of giving an end, I started doing things making him feel tt I am bad and he should bother or even feel bad in the r/s. I make everything seems to be that I am in the wrong.. and even to now.. I know tt he has yet to understand wat I have done for him. Maurice.. I know u know.. but I'm sry to get u involve.. u shouldn't have posted a comment rite from the being.. I appreciate that u really do understand me.. Thank you.. though he really wan a comment from u.. but seriously.. haiz.. does ur comments really matters at tt pt of time.. I know he juz wan to prove himself rite with his thinkings.. but seriously it is really childish to have said such a thing.. I was happy tt u din have the intention to comment back.. if nt I might think tt u may also be juz like him.. or i also dunno la...

Even till the day we break, I juz td him tt I have actually fallen for another guy.. tot its a fact tt I'll not do tt when I am in a r/s.. I juz din wan him to be sad.. or feel bad or anything.. so I put the blame on myself.. Though it was nt successfully, as he found out.. but everything he once knew, has overturned. At tt time he is aware of why it was so.. but on the very day when we had a big fight.. and tt's when I decide to stop writting blog.. it makes me realized.. he has juz twisted the fact again.. tt's y i did not wan to continue to talk to him anymore and even want to severe ties with him.. I have deleted him everywhere from all my contacts.. so tt it will not remind me of any sadness... But in maple.. haiz.. his buyer.. coz his buyer has bought over the a/c, he logs on and play.. and he tends to chat with me... and even keep asking things between me and him.. haiz.. seeing the nick.. sometimes I dun even know is who... and when i see the nick.. it juz still reminds me of him.. Sometimes I juz wan to tell him.. both of us arent together anymore.. so dun ask already... but haiz.. but who will know the consequence of saying.. wait he say this and tt why this and tt. or watever.. its so headache...

Though I have deleted him off in all my contact list, but then his numbers, nick watever, cant be erase in my memory.. i am seriously having hard time.. Sometimes i do hope he will msg me or wat.. but thinking back i think better nt as well.. coz i will end up fightin with him again.. Maybe I juz have to slowly erase him from my memory to move on.. Tt time, I did wanted to be friends back with him.. but it guessed it did a wrong thing and we end up in a big fight which I believe nth much can be done already.. Though there is somethin.. but it wont happened therefore nth much can be done.. there wont be miracles as well..

I know he arent happy tt I am writting all this.. coz its seems like a one sided story, but wat has lead to this one sided story? For me to know and for u ppl to find out... But I guess more or less u ppl should be able to know why this is so.. I know there are bound to be bad comments and I am prepare to see actually but I guess I should be able to tackle such problems...