20 Jan 2006

Sadness
Sadness juz doesn't leave me.. I wonder wat does sadness loves me abt tt it does not bear to leave me!~ :( Or is it tt it hates me to the core tt's y it wanna stay within me.. haiz... 2days have passed but i still cannot be happy but rather more sad than b4.
i haven really been so sad.. not like this.. as it drop above love and r/s... but rather this type of sadness is so much different from last time tt i juz really can't describe..

Hopes
Hopes to me are all I have but it juz dun have.. in shows. they always say.. if u believe in miracle, it will happen.. but i doubt it will happened on me coz I am not Ma Xiao Ling or Kuang Tian You!~ I also do wish tt there is someone by my side when I am real down.. but no one seems to be by my side. My family? Well din wanna tell them as I dun wan them to worry.. they have their own things to worry.. juz like my friens... I know each and everyone of u have ur own problems to handle.. I can't expect u all to be with me all the time though I do hope there is someone who will be here when I need~! I rather throw all my sorrows here than to tell my friens how bad I feel and sacrifice their time juz for me.. tt's y I have not been picking up anyone's call, reply anyone sms and also msn message etc.. Pardon me for being so as I am really going to burst!~ I dun wan this to be the outcome but then heaven likes to play this trick on me.

Memories
I really dun remember wat I did in the past that makes me so cheerful.. seems like I juz cant find back my old self no matter how hard I tried. Well True enuff, i can't expect a frien to come by surprise and wait under my office block or home to come cheer me up as I know this willl not happen. It did happened once in the years when I was really down, but not as bad as this time.. I remembered he came under my house block and waited for me.. but I have been out rather long b4 i came back. When I asked him how long have he waited, he smiled at me and said.. its not the matter how long I have waited.. its the matter of how long u have waited.. Indeed he cheered me up.. coz at least someone still remembers me despite all the time they had... I din went home.. instead I went out with him~! I try his ways to cheer him up and I am happy abt it.. though I did not completely recover, but at least I appreciate wat he had done for me.. but too bad we did not end up together of coz.. Why? Becoz we felt tt we could only be good friens and nth else.. He once td me.. someone who cares abt u.. is ur good friend.. someone who really takes their times to show u their concern is someone who is more than a frien.. If he is ur bf.. he should definitely do more than wat he has done as that's the most a frien can do.. but tt's the least a bf can do.. from there i realized wat these words meant and kept the concept on mind. tt's y till now i have the concept tt, in a r/s, if u really care, u would do something abt it.. but however, after so many yrs, it proves to me this concept is nv true. As I haven really see someone who has done more than him.. But some bf of mine.. did only a part as a good frien.. was juz there for me when i was dw but did nth abt it.. well of coz there are some who do not care.. It's not the matter anymore as I will try to overlook the concept one day

I know surprises are not wat i can hoped for.. No one would be so stupid to wait aimlessly below someone's block now.. if last time.. perhaps you would still see such ppl ard!~ I know no one would do that for me so I wont hope.. but I am juz sad, unhappy.. and feel like crying every moment when I am not doing anything.

No Dinners
I haven taken any dinners for 4 days already.. Din have the mood and i have no one to turn to.. I juz keep myself occupied with things juz not to think so much as I really cannot take anymore blow.. r/s has been a great blow to me.. now work.. and my sch.. and also friens.. :( I'm sry i cant be there for friens now as I really can't handle myself so this time rd I'm sry i cant be there for u all.. Mon and Wed.. once i reached home, after i wash up.. 1st thing I did is go and slp~!.. slpt the whole way to the nx morning.. and can't be bothered with any calls, msgs, family etc..

I will continue to ignore all msgs until the day when I feel much happier. As I have no one to turn to now.. I can only depend on myself... When u all need me.. i was there for u all.. but i need someone.. y is heaven so cruel not to send someone by my side?

Now
I am having class and yet i am still bothering abt stupid problems... can't help it.. stupid ppl like me always think stupidly... haiz.. sad.... well... I think i juz have to stop day dreaming abt all those things that won't happened and move on.. Even if the whole world turn its back on u.. you still have to walked forward!~