Life

His birthday juz passed.. celebrated his bdae twice with him on different occassions. Guess I haven been nice.. but which ger dun like to be care and concern for.. though i believe i make him sad on the very 0 hr of his birthday, i couldnt help it coz i dun feel good.
I was nt feeling too good tt day.. but coz i onli is the eve of ur bdae, I wan to be there at the very moment of ur bdae. tt's the least I could do I guess.. Supposingly I really hoped tt I was the 1st to wished u a veri Happy Birthday but then once again I knew tt I sure will missed it. At the arcade, actually I really wanna leave already, I seriously juz wanna go off.. but I juz couldnt bear to. Yes indeed u light up my life but then sometimes i always wonder have I expect too much from u...
If this is so, the only thing I can do is juz to ignore and pretend nth has happened. I know if i do this, in long terms it wouldnt be good, but seriously I really dunno how to handle such situations. U can say tt I am poor in such things, but then I am juz like tt. I really hoped I am not like tt, but i juz can't help feeling this way. It's really hurtful all this while.. perhaps its juz me and only me who causes the problem to arise. If I dun expect so much, maybe things will not turn out bad. But wat is a limit which is really a limit? Why do I see some gers have all the good things while I dun? Am I seriously asking too much or seriously it is really nt enuff?
Actually, I dunno wat present I can give him.. I meet him almost everyday and I dun even have a time to buy his gift. That day on Tues, I did not meet him as he say he wans to go ktv with his friens, so I let him go despite he is also sick. I know no matter wat I say he still will go.. and wat more he loves ktv so much.. In the end also need his frien to send him home.. haiz... I am worried for him.. indeed worried.. but it juz seems tt it is juz my wishingful thinking.. Anyway, all thanx to Ken, my colleague, who gave me a clue on wat i should give him. Present with a hidden present. Like wat he say, he gave his gf a container, inside filled with some paper/art works then inside there is a necklance. Indeed I did have such a thinking b4 I asked Ken and finally use the same concept but different things of coz. Tt day, he was sick, I am also sick, but I know if i dun get it tt day, i dun have time to get it too. Despite how sick I was, I still searched for his gift and finally found one. It's a wallet.. its the nicest one after selecting from alot of varieties. So in the end I gave him a huge milk bottle filled with chocolate and candies and i put the wallet inside. When I gave him, o well.. everyone also din expect there was a hidden present as well. I wanted to give me anythin also, but too bad, I din have the time to finish, so no choice.. I cant give it to him. I think I have to find another occassion to give it to him then.. but.. I really dunno when.. haiz.. Well, despite I gave him the present, somehow he does say he likes it, but how come i dun feel it? By juz leaving it there, u say u like it.. it's not convincing.. I really dun like ur AOH style.. ANYOLDHOW!!! its really anyoldhow.. haiz.. sometimes, things really cant be like this AOH, actions really proves alot. Is it tt i really asked too much or juz tt gers juz need all this attention?
Today, its same thing again, I am dw with a cold. I din wanna let him noe as I believe tt if he knows he will worry, so I dun wish tt he worry so I choose not to tell him. But despite him knowing I am sick too, he again din not show the right care and concern. Perhaps I juz hoped he could tok with me to ease the pain I have, but again he is so quiet. Again he spoke to everyone and his friens who was in trouble and i believe he tend to neglect me once again. Maybe its better we talk less and meet less so tt problems will not arise.. the more we talk, the more we meet, there's sure bound to be problem. Juz even I wait the whole nite, he also wont call and talk with me.. coz he already mention good nite.. But is he really slow in catching things. Like the present, he thought so long to know its a hidden present, then from my sms, he cant tell I am nt myself again.. haiz!!! I really hate this feeling.. sometimes I juz feel like disappearing a while and forget who I am and everything, but then I cant do it.. juz feel tt I am hopeless, helpless in all ways.. I really do juz hope tt he will take the initiative to do things automatically without me prompting, hinting and worse of all telling him...