Confusion

Summary
The reason why I suddenly updated this blog for this month is to note down the current feeling which I am having now. I want to remember this incident. I also dunno how to explain why. Maybe to remind me not to do it again, or juz telling myself this is happening again or rather juz maybe I wan to know in future that I have gone thru this before. But nvm wat the case is, I am still writing this now. At this present moment, I am a little quite pissed as I am trying to write this blog and all my msn pops up. That's one thing I hate most about updating blog is that I always get disturbed whenever I am writing the blog. Anyway I still have to continue the story.

Meeting Up
Today 27th August 2005 , I went out with him. I dun wish to mention his name here. If people whom have read my blog from the start may know who he is or if are my old friends may know who he is. Going out with him at the beginning is just like a long lost friend as usual. We went for a movie show - The Maid at Bugis. Everything is so normal when we talked, watch movie etc. After movie, we went to Maxwell Market for supper, I suppose that is supper ba. Perhaps, its I din wish to see him go drinking for his sorrows again, so I used all ways to make myself stayed out all nite to accompany him. Coz I know even if we go drink, he will still know his limits and sent me home and therefore will not drink alot.

After Movie
Finally, we decided to go to Devil's Bar for a drink. This is where everything started. Somehow I feel that, stepping into Devil's Bar, reminds me of alot of sad things. Sad memories juz flow thru my mind no matter how I tried not to think. And maybe its perhaps of what he say too, I somehow also feel sad. I really start to wonder alot of things and I really dun wish to know the real answer.

Devil's Bar
In Devil's, we talked about many things, from when we know each other, when he likes me and yet I am not aware of, the reasons why I also din accept him and more. This is the second time he told me this. "I dun think we can be together after 7 yrs have passed. If we can be together, we would have been together since then." This is the second time he repeats himself and somehow or rather, I really do feel upset. I dun think I really have the feeling for him now after 7 yrs of friendship, but then, it is confusing. I cant make up my mind either. Because of this sentence, it made me stay away from him years back and suddenly now I hear this sentence again, I dunno how to react. Recalling what has happened in Devil's, I seriously feel like crying out. I held back my tears juz not wanting him to be sad as I can see tears in his eyes too. I know he is lonely and is sad abt his current life. I dun wish to see him sad, so I held back my tears. Whatever I had done in here, I wouldn't say I regret nor not willing or what. I dunno why I did it too but what's done is done, it cant be undone. To him, I believe he wont feel worse than me because at least he still have a grp of close friens and his gf. But as for me, no nv have any of the above.

My Thoughts
I really start to doubt my ability as a frien, gf etc. Where have all my friends gone? From Alamak Chat to DDR to PARA to TOUCH 512, KOF and now wat? I cant even answer myself. Where have my friends gone to? Who is exactly my best frien, best buddy? Are all my friens juz acquaintance or do I really have FRIENS? Perhaps I should 开始反省了. What have I really done in this whole life that I end up like this? Am I fated to be lonely without friends and boyfrien for the rest of my life? Ever since last yr, I stopped being cheerful. I dun smile and laffed when I am ard with friends, but rather, I keep quiet, stay away from people. Ever since Darren case ended, I can never bring myself to laughter anymore. Maybe I am really hurt ny guys so much. When I really love a person deep, the guy played me out. I really dunno how to hold a r/s well.

Before We left Devils
Before we left Devils, I really am very sad of what has happened. Perhaps both he and I can only be Spare Tyre, where we find each other only when we meet problems. As I have said, whatever I have done for him for the nite, I have not regreted it. Maybe like what he say, if we can be together, we would have been together 7 yrs ago and not until now. But at this point, I am sure that he doesn't have a feel for me. I dun blame him, it's juz that maybe I am too commited in some ways. Rite at the very moment when Devil's is about to close, this thing we did is really very unforgivable. Although he did apologise, I am still hurt. As he has tears in his eyes, I really dun wan him to know that I am sad. Before we left, we went to toilet. While I was in the toilet, I finally cannot control anymore, tears rolled down my cheeks. I wanted to go off straight leaving him the msg that I am on the cab on my way home as I dunno how to face him. But I convince myself that everything lies within me and should not pressure him by juz leaving like that. I really feel like telling him alot of things. But what is the point of telling? Will this do any good for us? The fact that he has a girlfrien has already proven the greatest mistake I have ever made. What else can I ask for? I always realized things so late that there's no turning back anymore. Tt year I wasted one time with him, and for Zouky's case is also another one. Maybe I am really fated to be lonely for the rest of my life.

The Feeling right at this moment
Right at this moment, what I know is that, they do not like me and there is nothing I can do. I need to overcome myself before I see him nx week on my birthday. Dun think he will be seeing my blog within this one week, so after my birthday I can juz keep away from him awhile again like yrs back. Perhaps, its juz like what he say because he is lonely, that is why we behaved like tt in Devil's and nth else. Although my mind is really confuse of what it is, I am trying all ways to convince myself that I am juz feeling lonely that's why I have such unstable condition now. I believe I can get over this incident soon juz like years back. But seriously I really hate him saying, "I dun think we can be together now. If we can be together, we would already been togeher 7 yrs back." This is really frustrating.

Conclusion
Well people, please do not worry abt me. I will by any ways try convince myself not to be sad anymore. Even if the whole world turns their backs at me, I won't blame anyone. Juz like if you turn your back at me, or even ignore me for all that have happened, I dun blame u. Its me whom have started all this and I believe I should try end by myself. You dun have to like me or even do something caused u r guilty or watever, I dun blame u. Life is like tt. Cherish what u have now before u lost it. Perhaps i believe he should try 挽回 the r/s for the very last time before he gives up because if he lost it, I dunno wat he will do!~ Well, I juz hoped that he be true to himself and dun regret on what he has done. I think both he and I can only remain as Spare Tyre, 这个名称。