13 Jan 2006

Feelings
I've been trying my very best not to write my feelings here anymore.. but it juz dun work...no matter how much i force myself not to.. I still end up writing here as I have no one to turn to.

What happened today?
Well, he did remember to meet me at Clementi, but however,we din get to meet at all after all.. maybe heaven is playing with us after all. He only happened to tell me when I am already on board the bus to Clementi!~ Luckily I din take a cab.. if i do.. i know i would be much pissed off!~ Well he said tt he was trapped in the lift with 13 other ppl!~ Well.. I have nth to say.. since heaven is playing this trick on us. Juz shouldnt have left office so early.. was hoping to leave office faster so I could see him but in the end not only cant meet.. I still left a big load of undone work at my work place.

What happened last nite?
Remember last nite.. how sad I was.. remembered how the car horn at me wheni was walking home... this is i think the 2nd time I am not paying attention while walking along the road... haiz... luckily the car was driving fast.. the driverjuz horned at me..and I tripped.. almost fell.. but luckily I din... Along the way home, I was thinkin wat if i was hit by the car.. would anyone know... would anyone bother.. Sometimes I do wonder.. if some concerns were really meant to be concern.

What happened at work?
Today my TL assign new tasks again.. which means I have more work.. Now I am quite pack with my schedule and also everythin.. might not even have the time to meet him..I always go out late on weekend nites but he is always tired at late nite which makes me rather sad going out with him. Today I was moody and dinno where I would want to.. if he tell me let's go to chinatown for a walk or rather some place he could suggest.. perhaps it might brighten my day!~ He is someone who will not take initiative in some things like wat alien says.. if he would learn to be firm on his decisions, things would haven been much better and not turn out like tt...

The reason being..
Yes..so wat if he thinks I am demanding... the reason y i am demanding is becoz I wan him to do wat it should be done b4 i put in my utmost feelings.. imagine at the rate he is treating me now.. and how it hurts me seeing things turn out like tt.. wat happens if i put in my utmost feelings... wat do u think will happened to me if things are like tt.. I am not going to sms him, call him or hint him anymore stuffs... today I told him i was going library in the end as i need to get stuffs for my assignments as i need to hand one of the assignments in after the week after chinese new yr.. this semester though its the last semester.. my schedule will be tight... I cant advise him wat he should do.. and I mention I will not hint anymore.. I hinted him tt I wan to go library hoping that he might say he would accompany and go out with me after tt.. but he say ok.. i go research for my stuffs.. well.. if he continues like tt.. i would simply let him continue like tt.. Must I really say wat i really wan.. this r/s is so tough tt I really cannot handle it and I am going mad~! :( Imagine my ex would do all these things for me even though how bad they are!~ But simply juz becoz most of our friens say he is young, I need to give him more time.. then I really have to keep waitin.. there's a limit for his patience and definitely there is a limit for my patience too... I know he sure feel tt if I wan to meet him.. y dun I say... and he will sure come.. but I juz dun wan to say.. I wan him to say it out and take the initiative to do things and plan everything.. Sometimes i do hope he will come give me surprises.. not say everytime give me a gift.. but rather sometimes give me a surprise by comin to my work place or home to fetch me etc... and also when we quarrel or anything... y cant he juz give me a hug and say let's not quarrel abt it anymore.. dun be angry/sad... juz like last sat.. when we were talking abt the matter.. in the end i went over to hug him instead.. y isn't he the one who comes over to hug me instead.. muz he really be so not initiative.. and i believe i td him tt before.. if he does not remember.. then tt's too bad.. I think there is nth much I wan to advise him anymore... I feel tt he nv observe wat i say and remember wat i say.. if u really love a person.. u would observe wat he do and remember wat he says..this is always wat i believe... this is wat most of my friens believe..if not y would u be together if u dun even remember wat ur love one says.. would this be like u dun care or dun even bother wat ur love one says.. and wat difference does it have compare to being a frien? Perhaps its becoz i get this time of treatment in the past, tt's y i feel tt wat I am asking for is not too much.. I juz hoped he also does juz take the initiative to ask me and say i say wat then is wat.. :(

Frien's suggestions
Imagine i encounter friends or heard friend's frien.. saying how bad a ger can be but yet the guy did not say a thing back and love the ger so much~! I haven done to tt extend and I believe I haven done too much for all tt have happen. My feelings for him has start to fade away and the little interest i have for him also starts to disappear..if this continues.. I might be afraid tt I wouldn't love him anymore... though it aches me alot by seeing so mcuh tt has happened, i will still be the way I am.. I know I would be more sad in future but I would juz give him the chance until my last tear drops fall and my last bit of feelings i have for him. Some of my friends say if I love him, I ought to give him time to change..some even say, its better u get hurt now by breaking off with him now rather than the cut gets deeper and u will feel more hurt. while others also tell me.. he is so young.. y are u forcing urself to be in this r/s when u know its going to be hard.. imagine he also have not done thru ns.. imagine the time he has now and the time u have.. its not easy for u 2 to be together unless he can do something for u... I did ask.. wont tt be selfish.. but my frien td me.. "it wont be selfish if he really loves u.. and wat more how old r u now.. do u wan to wait even thought u know he will still be like tt?"

My decision
My decision is tt.. despite all the advise my friends have given me.. i still would stick on with my decision. I will continue to give him the chance to change until my last feeling for him.. If my last tear drops or my last feeling left for me is gone.. then I'm sorry to say tt I would really be in missing in action. Remember William case? I did gone missing in action for a while b4 I came back...Well watever it is.. I do hope this day dun come, if it really arrives, i guess its fated that things has to be like this and I really have to accept the fact by then and live on with it.

我是这样僵著，忍著，苦著，等著。。被你那样摆著，晾著，冻著，空著。。泪乾了，就让眼枯了，人走了，就让心死了。。 你从来不管我是笑的还是哭的。。 被你那样，搁著，放著，悬著，藏著。。我是这样，熬著，病著，疼著，蔓延著。。 天黑了，别让灯亮著，你走了，就让门关著，何必非得让我，在你面前疯了。。 不爱我，放了我，别在我的苦中作乐又不走。。 不爱我，放了我，别在我心灰意冷时又说爱我。。 被你那样搁著，放著，悬著，藏著。。 我是这样熬著，病著，疼著，蔓延著。。 天黑了，别让灯亮著。。你走了，就让门关著，何必非得让我在你面前疯了。。 不爱我，放了我，别在我的苦中作乐又不走。。 不爱我，放了我，别在我心灰意冷时，又说爱我。。 你想走，你就走，要自由就自由。。 我不要是你弃又可惜的玩偶。。 你不爱我，放了我 ，别在我的苦中作乐又不走。。 你不爱我，放了我，别在我心灰意冷时又说爱我。。。。。