Tired!~

Once agaiN~! I'm writing again. Guess u all should know wat it means when I start writing here. Juz felt that I dun really wish to bother someone on how I really feel, that's y i choose to let it out here. This is really a place where I think allows me to say anythin w/o any restriction. Everywhere I go, everywhere I am,I really need to resrict my words... Y??

I AM TIRED!~ Serious very tired. haiz.. y am I going thru all these I really dunno... I AM really honestly veri tired, helpless, disappointed and moodless in everything I do or see. What have really resulted in me I also feel like knowing.

Sorry ppl.. other than all this I really have nth to write.. I know some of u all find it bored that I keep repeating myself rather than to approach u all personally. Well, seriously, I do not wish to bother anyone of u.. if this someone really dun really care, I believe any one also shouldn't care as much~!

Whenever I am down, I realized tt my friends allow me to use harsh words and never have a word of complaint. Is that wat friends are really are. They will be there for u when u r down, even how hard things may be,they will help u out even they know they are being scolded and show concern for u more than anyone else? Sometimes I really hope these friends of mine is that special someone who will really care when I am down. I realized my friends know when I am dw but not that someone, and yet complain on the harsh words I used on him and tell me things like "tt's y i sms u lesser recently." If this is the type of concern I am going to get from him, I really do not wan. Y do my friends treat me better than he does in this area? :( I am really upset and I really dunno wat to do.

I feel very hurt and I really dunno how long I could handle this. I feel that I am going crazy soon. haiz.. y is this so..I feel that it dun really pays to be gd... no matter how much u have done for ppl.. ppl do not see and appreciate and ask for more.. If this continues, serious I really need to burst out again.

Last sat 7 Jan or maybe it's early sun mornin, 8 Jan, he finally say tt he does not wan to play this game with me. ALl along he treats this as a game? A guessing game I suppose to him.. tt was after 2 yrs since I last burst out... I cried so hard in public.. at the front of ps!~ at the side of the stairs, where not alone ppl are.. but do walk past. tt was really one time I cried the hardest all these yrs.. I dunno y I cried so hard tt day.. maybe I juz felt that nthis left for me in this whle world, I am being left alone in the world.

At the time, a black man approached me. Serious, I ain't joking.. he came forward and comfort me and td me alot of thing.. I dinno wat to do actually.. I am so lost at tt time and juz felt like being alone, but he juz came forward. Well, luckily i see Alien and Qing Xiang, I asked them come save me, and I went home after tt.

I feel tt our r/s isnt stable at all. Always on and off and this early stage or the r/s where everyone is having honeymoon period while we are in such a mess. I really have the intention to run away from reality though I know that's a wrong thing to do. I did really thought of running away from sch, from work and even from work... Felt like going overseas to relax to forget all the bad things that have happen. I am a ger who hopes that I have a shoulder to cry on when I am sad, someone to be there for me when I am down. And hug me under his arms when I need him. But... this someone is still not here I can say...

Today, again I believed had some misunderstanding again and i seriously hate this... Y can't he shows me concern like all my other friends? Those I want them to show concern, they dun show, those I dun wan them to show, they show... It juz made me realized that watever u desired for is always not wat u gonna have and u always have the opp of wat u wan... or rather u have wat u hate/dun wan to have...

Again, when writing this blog, I am crying again.. but not as much as on sat... I am still controlling my tears and everything.. but I really dunno how long more i can take.. I can sense tt this day is coming soon tt I will really break out soon. I hope it wont be chinese new yr as I dun like such things to happen during festive seasons.

2molo supposinly I am to meet him somewhere.. but I believe he he dun remember that. I really wonder when he will starts to remember wat he has td me, what i have td him and wat he should do. As a guy, I believe he hasnt take the initiative to do alot of things that a guy should do in a r/s. I know he is not happy tt I keep sayin, but I really feel unsecure being with him.. I has became an extend to which I lose confident in anything I do for the r/s.

Recently, so many bad things happen ard me and I really feel helpless. It juz really dun pay to be good. Well, my TL has more work load for me despite the call rate I am receiving.. I really envy Erica.. she simply juz dun have to do anythin... haiz.. During lunch break, I can simply pick up 3 -4 calls continuous while she dun pick up any... it's so tiring, I dun understand y my sup does not wan to employ more ppl!~Add my work load.. haiz.. sianz...

I feel tt I am getting old already.. not as energetic as b4!~ I get tired easily at times. Not like last time, I can dun slp for 2 or 3 days and work and study at the same time, but now, i really dun have the strength to do it anymore. Physically, mentally and emotionally, I am dw!~ Not as strong as I used to be.. Last time even if I am tired of doin a thing physically, but mentally, I have the strength to pull myself to do things... and enjoy watever I do.. but now after so long, I really cannot.. if I am tired, I am.. it's a fact that I cannot change. Old is old.. that's Y i start to worry. This is not the worry I am having only juz NOW... but rather is already long time !

The fact that I am older than him has been a clear fact clearer than any clear blue sea... Imagine how a ger feels when she is going to reach 30 while the guy has not even go thru NS.. what if few yrs down the rd, the guy really found something better and leave the ger.. Is the ger going to kill herself or is she going to remain sad for the rest of her life? Does it really mean that it for the ger... In addition, imagine if she does not feel secure in the r/s and yet she cant do anything to improve the situation? Will she be very pathetic in her love life?

Well, today I am really down for wat has happened at work.. dun wan to mention more abt it already.. too tired.. juz dun understand y i need to be so gd but yet ppl dun appreciate...juz feel like giving everythin up and go bang wall... Well, everyday I have to get up by 6 and afternoon I have to face such things, it is really so tiring.. Is there really no one to be there for me...

I really wanna leave everythin aside and not bother anymore. I am simply too tired!~ Please help me!~