Love

Now is already 1st Dec 2005. Suddenly, I felt so empty. What done cannot be undone. But yet, maybe because of my stubborness, I still feel that I am not going to give in as I feel that I am always getting hurt and I seriously cannot accept the pain I am going thru.
Perhaps this time rd, things may not be tt serious, but however, I reallly feel quite stressful. I believe some of u might have known who I am seeing... 6 yrs diff in age, I believe this is the 1st stress I will be facing and it is a challenge. I feel tt in a r/s, it is not juz one sided. If tt is so, a r/s would not be starting. I really did try to know what he is thinking and wat he is thinkin. I know seriously i can nv completely read him as a book. But I am trying real hard to. Recently, yes indeed expenses are running high, work load has increased, that means more stress. I neglect alot of my friens this I know, but I am sorry. I just really feel like working this out in the r/s. If I seriously have neglect u friens, I am sorry. Perhaps after 2day, I might have more time, or maybe not.
Had the worse fight with him today I guessed tt is. I felt tt he isnt as concerned as far I see. He says tt maybe I am demanding too much. Maybe he might be right, i may be so but wat to do.. If you feel so, I could only say I am sorry.
I really felt helpless now. Seriously, I am nv good in handling r/s. I am really afraid to be in a r/s as I feel tt if I love someone too much, I definitely gonna get hurt and I am hurt now. He says that I din really spare a tot for him too. But then wat i feel is tt, I rather let him enjoy 1st then let him know tt there is a problem.If i let him know there is a problem when he is having fun, he can't enjoy. But I do wan him to enjoy 1st.
This few days, I am feeling rather sick. At 1st, it is still nt tt bad, I can handle, but later, I feel tt I am becoming more stressed, more pressured... My work load increased, pressured!! Stressed!! Alot.. simply i cant used words to describe. If my work load increases, usually I would stay back to complete b4 going off.But becoz of him, i pushed my work to nx day. I know I make him waited a few times longer, but I cant juz leave my work undone. I have been leaving work early juz becoz I wanna be with him, and enter work place earlier in the mornin to finish all my uncleared stuffs. I am getting old already. I dunno how long can my health withstand. I am feeling like i say quite pressured, stressed, sick almost at the end of the day and I am trying not to let him know tt but I am feeling hard.
Headaches are getting stronger each day. I only have an average slp of abt 5 hours a day including weekends. Last time during weekends, I have longer rest, juz to regen my energy.
After the quarrel to nite, I believe we really need time to cool dw. Like I promise myself, if this r/s do not work out, I will not step into anymore r/s as I find no confidence in r/s anymore. Then I would definitely go missing in action and not appear until I can be my old self, which is I dunno when.
I feel that he is leaving the job all by myself and expects me to do myself. I am not a bug in his stomach, I cant know exactly wat he wans, at least I am making an effort to do wat he says. Going to meet his parents is serious one big shock for me as I am stress how his parents would feel abt our r/s. I still do not feel secure in this r/s and I am so scared. I met his parents, tried to start a topic with them and chat. Do you know how stress this is? And his classmates, I merely juz went out with his classmates twice, and should he at least pei me a little more to let me feel secure? and not juz leave me alone again at one side? He says tt Adrain's gf also the same but she blends in. True indeed, but the thing is tt Adrain and his gf has been together for so long already even though she only joins the grp a few times, coz both of them has a longer r/s and know wat is in each other mind, so when in the grp she dun feel so bad like I do. Put yourself in my shoes, I go meet his friends and tried understanding and starting a chat with them, this needs time. I have so many stressed to handle and I am trying my best to blend into the grp, but this really needs time. Though I am unwell, I did my best I could to show a cheerful face and do my part as a gf in front of his friend and each time, wat i get back is him saying tt I am not understanding him well. Every gers I believe need care and concern, and wat more is me.
I really dunno wat I can say now.. Having a super bad headache at this late hour. 2 hours more to go I need to get prepared for work, and I am like going to die. Somehow like my dream, I somehow dream of this incident today. Though it is not completely similarly but it almost the same. But in the end, he declare he do not wan me anymore. Juz feel tt this day has arrived and Really feel tt I cant do anything now. After we part from each other, neither one of us call/sms the other party. And ever since tt very moment, tears juz keep dropping. Even right at this moment, it hasnt stop. Was really hoping that he could hold me back to give me a hug and actually everything would go back to usual. But I know he have a chance again, he will sure say yes I did hug u but you did not accept tt it should be. Dun expect I always teach him wat to say or do.. coz its so unnatural. Really hope he could juz hug me gently and say dear I am so sorry. please forgive me. I know if he has done tt, seriously I sure forgive him as I am always a softhearted person.
As for now, I believe both of us really need time to cool dw. Or rather, both of us has really has come to an end..???Juz like tt??? haiz.. I also dunno... So helpless, so painful.. so stressful, so "xin ku" Feel like juz leaving Singapore and hide for sometime. Thinking abt yr end. I applied leave for him. Somehow I guessed it wont be of any use now. haiz.. Not gonna think abt it.. Juz let it be ba..
Exams are juz rd the corner. Supposingly, we are meeting tonite to study but i believe Iwont get to see him. Nvm it's ok. I will study by myself. Anyway I am so used to be alone already. Really cant accept the fact tt it is like tt,with no head no tail... but I have to learn to accept the fact then...
Gonna have another long day 2molo. Having a super big headache...cant think wat I can do and not.. haiz... I also know he is not feeling well. But i juz cant show him tt I am worried. Juz hoped tt he rest well and recover fast. But I think, life would have been much better without me. So in the nx few weeks, he might be able to recover fast. Well friens, if u know him too, pls take good care of him. Seeing him sick, actually I dun feel so. But juz tt the pressure in me, holds me back in doing so much thing. This pressure.. I really cant describe, juz like a force surrounding me, so tight so heavy.. Guessed I really dun have enuff rest.. I am going to die............ So chiam.. dunno how to say la.. dun wanna describe le.. Now my heart juz like b4... I guess each time i get hurts, my heart really hurts. This time luckily I am at home.. not like last time I am outside, even if I collapse by the road, no one would know too. At least at home, my family will know if I do collapse. I tot I would not feel this heart pain again, but somehow I felt it once again one yr later~! EK if u r readin this block, I believe u know wat I mean.. but no worries, even how pain it is, I will try not to collapse, I will hold it thru.
Gtg le... I really cannot write anymore.............................