3 Oct 2004

Sun Morning

Waner juz saw ur comment. Thanx for ur concern :) Well dinno really got ppl read my blog one. Was only thinking that this is a reservoir to voive everythin out for myself. Juz came back home. Well waiting for him again. Waited for him 2 times a day. That's really toopid of me to have tot tt he would really turn up when I seriously know tt he wont turn up. Muz it really wait till I say I wanna see him directly then he will come? I dun like this. It onli makes me feel that he dun love me at all. As I td him the 1st time, if u seriously love a person, you wont leave the person alone outside. Perhaps his thinking is juz tt. This means this and tt means tt. Watever it is, I believe everything has ended already. Since I say it out I cant turn back. As I say I have onli myself to blame for all I have done. Even its his wrong to have ask his ex for a patch, I think tt I muz forget and move on and not live in painful days.

While waiting for him, chatted with Ernest as he wanted to cfm things for 2molo. Than for trying to cheer me up. Well, there's really seriously alot of things I never really tell u. As usual not juz to him, actually basically to anyone I also dunno how to say so I could onli say it here for u Ernest. Yes I do have heart problem. Pls dun make it an issue coz I dun wan ppl to feel tt I am using this to do anything. Actually b4 we talked, my heart was in real pain and I almost cant move, but I started thinking of happy things and got slightly better. Every min, every moment, I see a cab pass by, I try to hope for him. But but but.. no.. it's not him. I know he wont come, but why do I have to give myself this false hope. :( Anyway, thanx for everything. I may not be the real me when hanging out with u guys, but thanx for cheering me up all this while. Anyway as I was saying, I wished to let u know, do give up on Jasmine, it leads you no where. Not becoz she like robin, but she also somehow did mention din really like u. So as not to make things worse, give up ba. Let her have a better memory for u than to leave her the worse memory.

Well, I do feel like quitting Sakae really. At the same time I also wanna quit Ramen Ten. I wish to move on with life. I dun wan to be stuck in his world. In my world, there is him in my life. But in his world, I dun feel a place in his life. Whenever I think of this, it really hurts. Although he td me before, I may not be the best looking ger, prettiest, or anythin, to him I am very good already. But if I am really good, why muz he treat me like tt? Cant he juz come to me when I give him a hint, cheer me up when I am moody, tease me when I am not myself? I really wanna disappear a while.

2molo, I will meeting you 2, hope I dun spolit u 2 mood. Sorry if I do. Although I do give up, I will still give myself 3 more days to his bdae. If he ask me out on his bdae, I will do more to minimize the gap between us, but if he is not, I think I will have to go. Maybe to leave Ramen Ten and Sakae, I dunno... See abt it. But I know he wont ask me out on tt day. Juz like juz now, I juz say tt he wont come, and really he din come. Even if he sees this now, I noe he wont ask me out. I am juz a fool. Friends I'm sorry. You ppl have come with me so far but everytime I let you all dw and even noe, I say I am leaving. Pls dun be angry coz I really cant live. See him I cry, dun see him I also cry. I really dunno what I am up to also. I'm going crazy le!!! Well, tues I'm workin 3-6pm. Well, juz nice between his break. After he is back, an hour more I leave, at least like tt he wont feel anything. Guess this time I will ask someone to pass him the birthday gift. Somehow, I feel tt he will throw it away :( haiz.. Dunno la.. I keep thinking of all the bad things!!

This time I really deleted him from my gb a/c. Not tt I hate him or dun wan to play with him, it's juz tt I dun wan to see his nick and remember him. Of coz I wanna play with him, I still wanna play with him, but then I dunno how to react to it. I now understand how he feels when I cant accept him, so I dun blame him. I do understand how he felt. Its my fault. I'm sorry!!

I really hope he will come and tell me pls dun be like tt. I hoped he would tell me he loves me not in big reasonings but juz this 3 words "I LOVE YOU". I have always been waiting for these 3 words from his mouth but always he onli say them when he is toking big reasons. Guessed I wont have the chance to hear it either. How I wished he could be so initiated to win me back but but but..................................................................................................