28 Sept 2004

Today is Monday morning. I dunno wat's wrong. It has never seems right to me recently. Haiz.. I think I am going to collapse soon!~ :( I am late for work today!! One hour late!! Haiz.. Din even noe I was late and haiz dun wanna explain anymore. After I reached workplace, I realized I am handling the runner's station. Omg.. I wasnt prepared at all. Haiz.. Luckily I din do anythin wrong. I got the wrong break time again. I tot I was having break at 4. Then I realized I was wrong. I already punched out haiz.. Then Ah Luan change it for me. I went break at 5. I went dw Orchard pt for my meal. Jimmy cooked fried rice for me. Well, he said his wife also nv eat b4. I was the 3rd one who ate it and first was Peggy. Hmm.. he told me some of the things there b4 I am going there 2molo. Then I went back work.
I couldn't find an excuse to see him, so I juz sms him to ask if he could bring dw my punch card. He din reply. I have no idea if he wanna come or not. I was thinking that I know he cant accept things. So I have no idea if he will want to see me or not. And he will not know what to say when he he sees me. Alot of factors cross my mind when I come think of it. I din have much mood to work as well. In the end, I send another sms asking if he is bz to reply or dun wish to come then say so. So I say I think it's not nice to ask him do so. As I believe I have no rights to ask him to do so too. He finally replied me dun answer for him lorz. I knew he was angry so I din wanna reply him.
After work, he was there. However, we had alot to do today. He waited very long. I try to go out to him asap after I have done my things. He was angry with me I believe. He screamed and shouted at me. As usual we quarrelled. No matter how hard I tried not to cry I still cried out in the end. I know he cant accept the fact tt we arent togeher but there's nth I can do too coz I am seriously hurt by him. At this moment of time I really cant accept him as a bf. Maybe one day I can but definitely not now.
Seeing him hurting himself onli makes me feel tt I am a heartless person. I dunno what I can do, so I hit the wall to ease the pain I had in myself. Finally, he cooled dw and tok with me. From there, I started telling him how I somehow did feel. My hands hurts alot. Till now still hurts. Somemore, it's bleeding and swollen. Really had a hard time typing this now.
The 1st time he ever walked away I tried walking away too. But somehow I stopped and cried out. He walked back to me and asked me not to cry. At there I td him, it's the same again rite, he say and he left and he is back. He tell me this is really the final time he gonna do so and never will he do it again. Somehow, this time I feel that what he said is true. This is gonna be the last time he is going to come to me. My sixth sense tell me so. I guess from now on, I really really cant find any reasons to tok to him, go to him, or be close to him. Really cant even find an excuse to sms him now. He said that if one day I see him dw at Bugis he is able to be himself again. So guess like whatever I do now also no use already.
PAIN PAIN PAIN!!! Every part of me are in pain now!! My heart, my hands, my legs.. haiz..
HOW HOW HOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?? I AM GOING CRAZY!!
Now he is in GB playing, he td me to find my friends play. I wanna go hit the wall again. So painful. I dunno what. Should I juz log off or should I really go find my friends play or or or.... haiz.. :(
I dunno already, cant think, cant find excuses to see him go out with him play with him or even talk with him. Guess I gonna go MAD!!!!