29 September 2004

Juz reached home. 12+ already. I am seriously half dead. Really dun have the strength to go to work 2molo. On my way home, I break dw and cry. Ernest if you reading this, I'm sorry to have disappoint u ppl. I cant do wat I td u all. Well but this time I seriously will. While walkin home, I was feeling very painful all over, I sat down and burst out. I sat there for more than 1/2 hour. Thinking of all the things over and over again. I was trying to convey my wanted msg to him but he dun get it. Maybe I am juz like tt, tt's y. I am fated to have things end up like this. I really feel like tellin him str8 I am very painful and I really want to see him now juz like the feeling I had on the nite I was with Jasmine. Jasmine is the one from Ramen Ten not Sakae. But this time, I am more unwell and more painful than tt day of coz. I could do it that day becoz Jasmine did it for me. This time, its on my own, of coz I cant do it. I sat there for very long crying. I really feel like seeing him. Every moment, I juz feel like seeing him appearing rite in front of me. But, to my disappointment, I dun get to see him. My heart not onli aches but also it is very painful. Almost had a hard time breathing again. After a few sms, I stopped replying him. Cant do it anymore. I really endure to the extreme le. I was afraid it may turn out like tt time I almost collapse on the floor so I stopped smsing him, trying to save the energy to walk home as well. Sitting there for so long, finally managed ease the pain in my heart. Not the pain he had given me but the pain my heart all along has. Well, I have heart disaease and also diabetes background. So ppl, pls do not leave me in the lurge when I tell you all I my heart is pain again.
Finally, I managed to relax and stood up and started home. I tot I was ok. At first I am alrite, but as I headed near home, I suddenly felt heart pain again. I paused a while trying to catch another breathe. I try walking slowly but I fell onto the floor. My knee caps hit the ground real hard and I was seriously in great pain. There wasnt anyone ard. As my knee caps were still swollen after sat nite incident, it became worse and much more swollen. I try pushing myself up and move. It was seriously causing me more pain. Finally I managed to get up and really slowly walked all the way home. When I reached home, I felt relieved. Tears rolled dw my cheeks as I felt relief. My heart dun feel so much of a pain now. But still feel hurt.
Chef William spoke to me this afternoon on the way back to far east. I walked all the way from Orchard pt to Far East as I din bring ex link and cash so I have to walk, juz like I have to walk home. I tot he would flare up but he asked me not to be like tt. So I apologise telling him its not his fault, it's me who cant get things rite. I td myself before I get home, if I dun get to see him, I truly am going to give up. If you are reading this, I am telling you I am sorry. I am giving up already. I really cannot take it anymore. Yes I am crying. I noe even if u scold me now I will still cry, but my heart is dead. From the minute I reached home, it's dead. I wont do anything anymore. I have done what I should have done. Although I juz never confess my feelings to you, it may seriously mean alot to you, but thinking of what I have done for you, and what you have treat me for, I feel that seriously it is enough already. All I asked for is tt you dun scream and shout and me no matter we are couple, close friends or even juz friends. I really dunno how to control your temper. I am scare, so how am I going to control? I am not the rite person for u like you say I am not the right person for u.
Debbie if you r reading this, I wanna apologise to u. I guess I'm not the ger whom can changed ur brother. I'm sorry. Thanx for all the help you have given me although it's onli juz recently. But seriousy I do appreciate tt.
For now, I will onli wait for the day he can recover and make up for what he has done b4 I will accept him. Or if not, if he gonna scold me again, well I will still drop tears but I will walk away. Be it whether its fair to him or not, coz if he feels so, then who is fair to me?
This afternoon during break, saw him smsing again. It juz came to me tt its her again. I dunno why I have tt tot, but it juz came to my mind it's her!! HER HER HER!!! Maybe becoz it's afternoon, tt's why. I really have no idea. Felt uncomfortable seeing him sms, so I din wanna look at him anymore. Trying to take a few glance at him but seeing tt my heart drops again. While sitting at the back waiting to start work, Siva was having break and started toking with me. Talked abt things in Orchard pt as I juz went there today and he happen to see my punch card and say "O you are also call Isabelle!". I stared at him in amazement and asked him "WHY?" SO he td me "Coz Darran's gf is also call Isabelle." I stared at him and say "izzi". I felt so funny and wanted to laff but I came quiet. Later not long, he came out have his break too. He gave me the tot tt he waited so long juz to wait for me come so he can come out. But I dunno what's the real reason, I juz have tt tot. Siva then ask him his gf is called Isabelle rite and he asked was it me? But sad to hear him tell Siva dun ask so much. On one side, I felt like laughing at Siva, but on the other hand, I felt like crying for what he had said. As it is reaching 6, I got rdy to work. Later, he say I gave my number to Weilong and he isnt happy coz he say he dun wan ppl to disturb me. Well, having number is one thing lorz but whether will pick up his call is another lorz.
What William td me today is correct. He say, couples being together will feel jealous if they are in love with each other. If there's no jealousy, there's no more. The most important factor is trust. If we have no trust in the opp, then the r/s is gone. I do trust him all along until this incident came out. I also wont happy tt he always tok with Victoria Peggy and all his so call girl friens. Well but, I do trust him tt's y I never pop into his hp to read his sms until tt very day. It's not tt I din trust him. I dun usually do that and tt day is also no exceptionally. I also din have the intention to do so, maybe heaven is playing a trick on us.
After he have done wrong, he still have to scream and shout at me. How am I supposed to tok things out with him then? As I say, I wont do anymore from now. If you wan, please make it up to me. If you still think tt, it's unfair, then forget it coz we will end up no where. I am not in the wrong this time, if you are going to be so stubborn, then you will seriously lose me for this final time.
My hands are so painful. Haiz.. today at Orchard pt, I had hard time doing things. My hands are painful. I cant take ice cubes, I cant do deep fry things. I did them all slowly coz I cant bend my fingers. I bothered Kent so much juz to ask him to teach me how to cook things. In the end, dunno is Vincent or Winson teach me most stuff. 2molo I will go and check on his name again. Dun get it wrong again. I heard from them tt he is coming back Orchard pt on 8th Oct. Haiz.. I really still feel like continue to go there help out, but I am really afraid tt he will not be happy seeing me after he sees this blog. Somemore Orchard pt is so small, sure bound to see face to face. Whereas in Far East, at least I am at a corner. Wont really let him see me. Haiz I dunno la.. I feel so cold now. How I wish he is by my side huggin me giving me warmth but haiz..
From now, I will juz act like a ger who is secretly in love with a guy, but someone who will not do anything. No matter how much he hates me or what, I will juz do what I will do. Maybe 2molo cant go work, feeling too sick now. But if I go, it's only juz to see him. But wont let him noe... Ok guys, thanks for you ppl support. I will leave on and wont do anymore stupid things to let u all worry again ok. But if I really collapse on day, pls dun leave me!~