9th August 2004 - 15th August 2004

9th August 2004, Mon
Today is National Day. Either do I have to work or study. I stayed at home and idle. Life seems rather sad this few days. It has been almost a week tt haven updated this blog.

I haven have much mood to study although I tried. Maybe I just haven tried hard enuff, but seriously I am lost. I really have no one to tok to like last time. I seemed to be in a complete loss of myself lately. It has really been long since I last really go out with my friens. Maybe everyone are rite, when u r attached, a lot o things are different, tt’s y some of my friens like to stay single. However life is always so contradicting. When you are single, you will wished for someone by ur side to keep u company and care for u. Maybe I have hang around too much with Ajs tt’s y life has been like tt for me all the while. Actually they seriously can be nice ppl too. Juz don’t look at them with bad eyesight u can find them pleasant frien too. I used to hate them too, but somehow or rather life with them al this while have always been so fun. I really missed those old days so much where we go for dinner movie and chiong.

Although u may say tt it is really different from a couple, but there’s certain fun friends can gif u and not in a r/s. I nv say I dun love my boyfrien. I love him juz as much as I love my mother. But recently we have always been quarrelling like nobody’s business. My heart seriously hurts or not. “真的想回到过去” where we used to be like. I know he is trying, I am also trying. But somehow, I feel tt he believes I am not trying hard enuff. I maybe harsh with him at times, but I dun mean what I mean. I onli mean to tease him. This few nites continuously every nite I have been crying. I really dunno how long we can last. I am afraid to look at it. He is always very fierce. No matter how hard I tried to ask him not to be fierce to him, he still continues. I am seriously afraid of him. I dun wish to see him sad, angry or crying for me. I wan to see him happy. Can anyone tell me what I should do?

10th August 2004, Tues
Today he is off, and I am not working, so we went out as usual. We went to get pay then we go to ps to get cash and it is cash cheque. Then at DBS, we saw Jimmy they all. After getting cash, we went up to get the tix, but it was full. At 1st, I wanted to get it 1st, but he say go together, I believe it should be full by then we go up but however, since he say so, I juz din go up. In the end, we went to TBP to watch. After getting the tickets, we went to eat Aijsen Ramen. Their food wasnt so great. The soup based was so oily. So ppl, dun go there eat, come to Ramen Ten to eat, nicer!! Well after food, we went dw to bugis and have a few games as our show starts at 705pm. We watched Ella Enchanted, its so nice. Fairytale story juz like what I liked. If love can be like tt how nice. After the show, we went to Bugis again. We saw Botak and had dinner with him. As they were talking, I juz kept quiet and ate my food. After tt, we went back to play game and in the nitez, we went dw to esplanade. Supposingly, we should have an enjoyable nitez here, but however, things were bad again. We quarrelled again. Haiz.. Again we have to quarrel, and I juz kept quiet the whole nitez, he was all the way scolding again. Mother juz called and say why am I always home so late, and says that if I dun be home by 1230, she's gonna locked the door. At tt pt of time, I really dunno what to say or do, I noe I wont be home at 1230. If I really dun care, I would be staying behind to hear so much when I hear my mother say such a thing. I made him cry again today. He was sad I can tell. When he cry, I will always hug him and sayangz him, but whenever I cry, he onli continue to scold. Why cant he juz hug and sayangz me as well? haiz... Of coz after all tt had hppened, I still wan him. I do love him, tt's y I am hurt, but seriously I dunno how long can I endure. Its so saddening. :(

14th August 2004, Sat
14^th August 2004, this is the worse quarrel we have encounter so far. 2 quarrels per nite. Today I went to school for revision class and later I went home. He asked me wat time to meet later, so I say later in GB then we say. In GB, I was playing with my friens as he was in game so I played. I tot of telling him later as I tot since I will be joining his game so I will say later. However, it happens so tt he msg me 1^st, and told me he was pissed with me for me msging him. I really dun wan to explain anything. As I have said, I am someone who do not like to say or explain anything. My actions will tell in future. Usually my actions do not show at tt pt of time. It only shows much after that and always at tt pt we end up quarrelling and when the person finally reveals the true, then they know how much I have done. Before we went out, he’s already a little pissed I know. I am not very happy either as I have said my mood recently haven been nice. At dinner, I td him tt later as today is cow’s bdae celebration, we will be going to AJ’s pub. Ajs tend to hug each other as a form of greetings and nth much. Not like those couples’ hug. He dun seem to understand and start quarrelling with him. I really dunno how to explain to him their life lifestyle as he dun hang ard with them. I really am stuck. Today I am really very pissed and sad. So I really walked off. I noe after I cool dw I sure go look for him. The reason y I walked off coz I seriously cant take it anymore. From the day I go stead with him, I knew things will be like tt one day. Today is also our one month anniversary, I believe he should know. Perhaps he juz dun say out. Tt’s becoz it’s our 1^st month I really dun wanna spoilt the mood. As I walked he pulled me back. But I juz keep going coz I really feel like crying, but not in front of everyone.

I aint happy coz he say if I cry he will sure come sayangz and ask me dun cry, but he din. All he did was continuing saying. His tone is already fierce, and wat more, his words are harsh. My hearts hurts a lot. Its very painful, I really dunno how. I really wished to walk to one corner, sit dw and cry my heart out and cool dw first, but he juz pulled me back I really cant. I know I have to give in, so I juz kept everything within myself even I noe how hurtful it is.

Later as we reached there, I saw everyone whom I haven seen for long. It’s nice seeing them, but however, he did not like the place. I knew he dun like but I cant juz leave like tt. One side is my frien, and the other side is my bf. It’s not tt every time I help my friends. I am juz seeing the situation and go according to book and he feels tt I am always siding them. If he really feels so, I can only let him be, as I know tt’s not what I mean.

Cow was playing with me and I know he isn’t happy to see it. As cow wanted to dance with me, as I was holding his hands, he pushed him away. I knew he was pissed already, I tried to resist but still I cant do anything. He say he is going outside to wait for me, I tried pulling him back but I failed so I say okie. I know he is angry but I seriously dunno what I can do I am really sux in whatever I do. Haiz.. I stayed inside and took picture with them so I could remember them. I really missed those days, but I know there’s things I really need to sacrifice in this r/s to make it work well. Some things can only be kept as a memory and always be kept as a memory. While in reality, life juz have to go on.

Outside, when I finally got him, he was angry with me tt I went over to look for my friends 1^st and not him. My tot was then since I am leaving already and I know I have to clear all misunderstanding with him and I noe tt’s not an easy job, tt’s y I go over to settle with my friends everything 1^st. However he isn’t happy tt I did tt. We had a hard time settling everything. He even hit his hand on the wall. I really feel like holding him back and hug him to tell him I’m sorry, but I juz cant move. I juz kept crying and I cant help it. Wishing he could come and hug me and say sorry, but I was wrong, he kept on scolding. When he asked if I am leaving with him or not, I seriously dun wanna answer him. Coz if he juz hold my hand and go, I will sure follow him. Why muz he ask such a question? I really hope tt “爱很简单” but it always seems so complicated. Anyway we happen to resolve it too although there’s more to it. I really dun wanna make things worse, he absorbs, seriously I also have to absorb. Let’s hope everything is gonna be fine!~

After all this tt have happened, I am really very very the sad and painful. I really wished to tell him pls dun be like this. When I accepted you in the 1st place, actually I noe alot things would happen, but I will juz do what I can do, but whether I succeed or not, it all really have to see. Right now, although I am talking things out with you, I wish to tell u how much I deeply love you and wanna be with you. In my heart, no matter what have happen to far, I still love U and I still wan u of coz. I wanna let U knoe U are always my 小猪猪 and I will always be ur 可爱女人. I love U Darran!!