8th August

8^th August 2004
Today I have no work as usual. I went to Pillip Wain for facial and steam. This time is at Scotts. His hp went low batt today and I couldnt ask if he wanna meet so I juz sms him waiting for him to reply. My heart was planning to see him so I can be with him later. But sad to say, things always turn out the bad way. When he reached home then we finally cfm things. Over the phone, he say lets not meet as we have no more cash and we cant go Bugis for a game too. My heart all went dw after all the things I have tot. So I td him if we not meeting then I go home. So he asked me to go home. I nv like him being like tt and either did he like me being moody after he say he not meeting me. Dun tell me wanting to see him more before my exams is a wrong, or dun tell me guys coax gers are also wrong. Everything he wans me to tell him directly how I feel but which gers dun like guys to do them in a surprise way or watsoever. Again over the phone, he screamed at me and say me this and tt. So I td him nvm I shall go out on my own. I td him I not feeling gd wanna go cool dw. And we started quarrelling again. I sat at the MRT to finish the tok to decide where to head to. He was very pissed at me so he hanged up my phone.

No matter how pissed, how sad, how angry I am, I also never hang up his phone and he hanged up. I started cryin again. I decide to divert off my phone as he hanged up my call. I send him a sms telling him since he hanged up means he dun wan to tok to me so fine dun bother to call and tok with me and i divert my phone off. Before I managed to divert off, he called several times, but I did not pick up coz I am too angry and sad to do so. So I decided to go to beach. At 1st I was thinking to go East Coz or Marina South, so I decided to go East Coz. I went in the MRT and he send me many sms asking me where I am. I td him I am going somewhere alone to cool dw. He td me he is veri sad now and wanna meet me. At 1st I din really din wanna reply, but I juz couldnt bear not to reply him, so I replied him dun bother since he dun wish to meet me then we dun meet up.

In the end, I couldnt bear to see him sad, so I td him if he wans to see me, come to MRT now if not I shall go. I idle ard in the MRT b4 I really came out. So I waited there for him. But I was also thinking, if he did not turn up in 10 mins time I shall go then. Well, he did appear in front of me juz after I have tt tot. At there, he started saying me this and tt again, so I juz kept quiet as I am too sad for any words.

Every now and then, we always have to quarrel and fight. Why is this so? Loving him is hard when it comes to our stubbornness. Both of juz wouldnt wan to give in all the time. I really dun wanna cry anymore. It really hurts. My heart aches again. I cant really move much. Once I move, it's pain. My leg is also painful after the long walk last nitez. We went to his place again and din go out the whole nitez. I had dinner over his place and he played gunbound. Again I see him playing with mysisischio. I dun really like her. I dunno why juz maybe becoz of her attitude or the way she toks or watever. He td me she joined their game and he say he gonna log out after tt game. Tt game lasted for more than 1/2 and I waited outside for him to finish. I din really felt nice again as he neglect me again for a game. As time is getting late, I td him I wanna go home already and he kept asking me y I wanna go back so early and this isnt my usual self. I din wanna explain muz so I juz td him late le I wanna go home of not my mother will scold. I wanted to leave coz like this I wouldnt feel tt he is neglecting me anymore. If not, I will be juz waiting there aimlessly dunno for wat. After tt, he send me home. While waiting for him, I played GB, waiting for him to come in. He said tt his sis is using so he cant come in. So I waited, but sad to sad, he felt asleep again w/o telling me. haiz.. Well, what can I say? Even I felt asleep I will still reply his sms when I see it but he dun. Maybe I should learn not to be like this anymore. If I dun do it, seeing him dun do it, I cant say anythin. But when I do it, I see tt he dun, I will be displeased, so isnt tt better that I dun do so much in future?

"Sometimes I wonder, true enuff, in certain things, we shouldnt be so calculative, esp in love. If we calculate so much in love, do we call this love? Life is already hard to describe, what more is love? Cant we juz have a simple r/s and be happy all the time rather than to count how much I have done for u and how much u have done for me? However things are always contradicting. Imagine tt u have done so much for tt person who does not appreciate what u have done? Then how? Are all these wasted? or juz tt u owe it to tt person in ur previous life? What is love? It is really so complicated. Haiz..."