3rd Sept 2004

Last nite I finally went out in the evening. After a hard day at home, and also aftr much tears, I realized that some things cant be helped. Everyone juz have different concept in life. I went to Madam Saigon to have dinner with pizza and Ernest kia. Felt so glad that at least someone did accompany me on my bdae after all. I am not so lonely after all. Saw his group of brothers in the arcade. Felt rather awkward toking to them as what have happen. Actually I have been wondering whether both of us is over already coz of his last sms. I then realized during dinner that he and I are already over. I wanted to cry coz I juz couldnt believe that is true. After that, Ernest kia accompanied me to ps and watch The Cinderella Story. Its so sweet. There's a part in the story that makes me cry to. It's when Cinderella's real identity is being exposed. And the way she is being exposed is so bad.. I cried at tt part. I have no idea why too. Maybe I am juz too emtional. After that, Ernest kia send me back and we talked quite alot. He tried cheering me up. Thanx. At there we recite a sms msg, so funny. Here its how it goes:

吃喝晚了一下子，
搞到人家大肚子，
生出一个不孝子，
到处乱跑像猴子，
生来气你一辈子，
气到自己伤身子，
别人看了没法子，
躲在一边吃瓜子。

Actually, we tot of quite alot and felt so lame. But somehow, I still din really get any better. I still miss him. Alot Alot. I really wonder how he is. I juz looked at his blog and found out tt he did go out ytd too to watch Anacondas. Actually, I wanted to watch Garfield. But I tot maybe I still might have a chance to watch with him. But it's too late. Life is back to single again? I actually reserved a pure milk new arrival t-shirt and decide to get him and I one on the 15th. I think it's no longer needed now. Since I cant get him, then I juz give up the idea.

Now its 12+ in the afternoon. I still haven prepare myself. I need to cook my fried rice!!! Will anyone eat w/o egg? I been to several places to get eggs but sad to say there's no egg!! How?? How will my fried rice taste? :( Haiz... Still feel very upset and I dunno how to handle it yet. I juz feel like going there and disappear!~ Suddenly feel so helpless. I really wonder will he be there. But I doubt so. I am a little happy and also a little disappointed. Those I really invite, all tell me they cant turn up. Seriously its veri hurtin to reject someone's invitation. But well on the other hand, those I considering whether to invite or not, most say they will be coming. I feel rather bad as I din invite them and they come tell me. Anyway I doubt I will see him today. Seems like he has already moved on in his life, I am still stuck here. Am I so hopeless? Or maybe I am juz too emtional? Well even if he comes I also dunno how would I react. I am sure I will be stressed dunno wat to do as usual. I noe he is disappointed in me coz I have bever been a good gf. I did treasure him, but somehow, I know he feels that I dun. It's not I dun wanna salvage the r/s. Coz I and him are juz too passive.

Many many things come to my mind, I really dunno how to move on. Feel so empty w/o him. Although is juz short short one mth+, my feelings have already developed for him and suddenly now everything is gone. At this pt, I am still thinkin if he is comin. But well, whether he comes or not, I wont expect, coz as I say 希望越高，失望越大。 Both somehow I do wish to see him someday happily even though we are not together. Really wished him all the best for his future endeavours. Life is juz empty. I guess I really cant go back to my old state to look cheerful on the outside anymore. I will continue to look sad. Coz there are seriously lots of things that cant be helped. I really feel like quitting my current job and go to another place to work coz here seriously give me a lot of me and his memories. Juz by seeing his blog, I really felt a deep cut in my heart. But at least I noe he has moved on. That's nice. I am sure he will find happiness. Really there's alot of things abt him I also dunno. Suddenly there's a Jamie and suddenly botak happens to tell him so much and also arrrgghh~! juz cant continue writing.

Guess I will end here I have to cook my fried rice now and also get prepared. Hopefully my fried rice will be eaten coz there's no egg and also I have no mood to cook. So? How am I gonna cooked something edible?

Lastly, I would like to wish myself a Happy Birthday. Veri lame rite?