Sept 27, 2008

Sometimes I really wonder how I survive through my previous ordeal. I myself till now still dun really remember...

I wonder how many ppL actually know when was my sadess moment in life.. but i think apparently, no one can tell when exactly was the worst time of my life...

It's the day when I broke up with darran.. It was not the breaking up that coz the deep impact in my life, but rather it was till my limit already... Some of u wonder how come I tend to tell my problems away and make ppL feel like that person is so bad.. I wasn't wrong in saying whatever I feel.. I din have a true frien whom I can share my tots with, that's y I put it out here... There r alot of hidden facts which I do not say out but I keep it to myself i always feel tt I dun have to explain myself for everything i did becoz i treasure everythin I have, thus I bear the hurting words and thoughts myself.

Whenever I am in a r/s, I tend to shut the down the doors of my friens and I know u all r very angry at me. I'm sry and I realized there's no turning back.. I don't put the blame on anyone becoz I know I am the one who created the future of my own...

You may call me one emotional freak who is easily affected by things that happens.. even it is repeated.. It's not call nv learn my lessons but rather sometimes when u r faing the situation, no matter how well u r prepared to overcome it, u wont be in the state of mind to do tt...

All these yrs.. I felt that I have did my part in my company and they dun seems to appreciate my efforts.. I'm trying hard to prove myself but my mind also wish to do something of my interest and I am easily affected by what other says.. esp if my boss tells me to stay and how much I meant to the company blah blah blah... i will start to feel otherwise.. though it is short-term but when i hear someone saying something else.. i will re-start to think...

At this point of life... i dun have a very true frien... either do i have an ideal career... nor do I have an ideal r/s.. it's too late for me to re-build already.. i know everyone wouold say i'm still young and i can continue to re-build... but the matter of fact is I have done it so many times and I failed.. and I am really tired.. but of coz sucide is not the solution to all the above, but rather an irresponsibLe act..

Which girl doesnt want to be loved and being taken care of... If guys only want a girl to take care, the girl has to be very independent which unfortunately... i am not.. do I have to say all those things that I have experienced before, then I can be loved and taken care of.. I think by then it becomes sympathy rather than love..

Who really knows that my father claims how he loves me, but he was the one who ignored me since young,.. which child does not wish to have a happy family when borned.. Whenever I am in a r/s out with the guy I love.. who actually knows that I bear all the sarcastic remarks from friends and even my parents... My parents can even tell me... y r u back so late.. everytime mid nite then come home... u treat this house like hotel? or r u working till so late... if u r workin till so late.. what job can tt be? A Prostitue? or what... at times when i go bf house to stay.. my parents would say.. dun always go other guys house to stay.. how will ppl feel.. u r a loose woman, etc... imagine how hard i try to please my bf but i need to bear such words from my parents and who would actually understand that I am also a human and i have feelings too...
Imagine your parents telling u such a thing but your close frien and loved one does not know... do anyone exactly understand how i feel..

I dun tend to look ard for so many friends to share my problems.. that is why i juz release it out here... if ppL are also stopping me to say it out here.. i think i will have a second breakdown... which i think it is soon to be.. i'm trying every way I can to maintain the current mood i have but i can tell u its nt easy... i am not so fortunate like everyone who has a happy family and wonderfuL friens ard...

Even now I see in my office... my colleagues called me out initially but in the end say dunno not going and suddenly they are out again without callin me... instead only ask my bro along... hai.. i always have lunch with my bro and dun have much chance to go lunch with other ppl.. though he always allows me once in a while to join my friends.. but he is leaving soon.. i need to start looking for lunch kakiz again.. hai.. i am really tired of always making 1st move to do everything.. becoz it nv pays to be initative.. for the nx half yr of my life.. i think i will juz be quiet in the office and juz do what i am told to do... I think i will not take any initiative until my courage has been build up..

This is all I can say now.. Wish myself happiness~